The Bravest Thing of All Is To Hope

"And in the dark we climb this slope
'cause the bravest thing is always hope."
Binary from The Light of Things Hoped For by Brave Saint Saturn

"Deepest oceans of despair
This vast and somber
Charcoal night of space
Have you given up yet?
What hope lingers in the crevasses and corners of your soul?
I know you
You haven't given up yet
You are brave in this darkness, Saint Saturn
Sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope"
Atropos from The Light of Things Hoped For by Brave Saint Saturn

No profound thoughts to go with it. I'm just enjoying their music right now. I'm also enjoying having BonnieJean, Chera, Ethan, and Naomi all home and in the same room.

The headache and stupid feeling from yesterday is gone, praise God! I just have zip energy but I can handle that, kind of.

I'm rereading Jane Austen's Emma. I had forgotten how funny Mr. Woodhouse is. "Poor Isabella..."

I'm also finally reading Rodney Stark's Victory of Reason. It's been recommended to me for forever. I'm only in the first chapter but it's good so far. It's a deep enough book that you have to take it pretty slow.

I got some wrapping of Christmas gifts done today. I love wrapping paper and pretty bows, but I am so bad at it. In fact, right now I can see the lovely gold ribbon that matched BonnieJean's black gift bag so perfectly lying on the floor next to said classy black bag. *sigh*

I have an itch to go Christmas ornament shopping. I'm noticing some terrible holes on the tree right now. I want to get some pearlescent (sp?) gold balls and maybe some more red ones, too.

I've decided to quit the praise band. Sunday was the third or 4th time I've shown up for rehearsal and had no music stand, music, or microphone. So, I'm taking the hint. I'm trying to extricate myself quietly. I just have to come up with an innocent but honest answer for when everyone starts to ask me why I'm not playing anymore. BonnieJean and Dad both suggested finding another group to play with because it is something I have really enjoyed. Something to think and pray about.

The weather here has been absolutely beautiful!! I just got back from a brisk 30 minute walk and my chest feels the better for it.

Vernise passed away Sunday, late. Her funeral was Wednesday in Fayetteville. Samuel and I house sat for the Kelleys while they went. I got a lot of reading and journaling done. It feels good to have some of my thoughts sorted out.

Hebrew classes are picking up speed. The rest of the class is beginning to understand phonics. I can tell that, for a lot of them, this is the first foreign language they've tried. They're still asking why questions, as if language has any kind of rhyme or reason to it. I told them they had to have faith like a child to accept things just as they are. :)

We continue to be amazed by how many people are praying for Dad so constantly. Thank you everyone! I know they're a help!

Nocturne in C Sharp Minor

I'm listening to Joshua Bell's Romance of the Violin. I believe it was a Christmas gift a couple of years back. I particularly like Nocturne, Track #3.

Vernise, he Teague's grandma, Mrs. Kelley's mother, had a stroke Friday. She's having a really rough recovery. Some of her symptoms include restlessness and disorientation which translates into her not sleeping, trying to get out of bed on her own and thus falling. This is dealt with by always having someone sit with her. We, as in the Bavidos, have gotten to help out with this a couple of times and are on call. The poor Kelleys really need their rest so I really hope they don't hesitate to call us. Another problem is getting enough liquids and nourishment down her because she's been having trouble swallowing. Please be praying for Vernise and her family.

The job hunt continues. I had a job interview earlier this week for a legal secretary that I've already been turned down for. I have an interview next week for a volunteer coordinator position. I emailed a reminder or followed up today with a career services position for a tech school. I need to send off a resume tomorrow for a case manager position. Praise God, I'm doing much better on the motivation and not-getting-discouraged/depressed in relation to job hunting.

I've discovered that when left to set my own schedule that I sleep from 1 a.m. to 10 a.m. and am most reflective and thoughtful between 11 p.m. and 1 a.m. I'm not really sure when I'm the most productive--perhaps the early afternoon?

I continue to be shocked and horrified by my own selfishness. Mrs. Teague had asked me to get her copies of the Bavido originals that had been read at our poetry festival. I completely forgot that BonnieJean, Isaac, and Dad had read their own compositions and just printed off the ones by me that had been read. How terrible am I?!

Learning faith and patience

is no fun. I want a well-paying, political job so bad and I want it now. Bruce Long was very encouraging this morning in Sunday school. He reassured Samuel and I that as we continue to live for Christ He will provide the perfect job that we want so bad. However, he also threw that "wait on Him" bit. *sigh*

Bulletin from the Couch #2

  Just a quick couch bulletin before I start on my capstone powerpoint.

  People are constantly asking me what I did to my foot.  I use the story Jason suggested: "I got in a fight with a squirrel."  Sunday, little Owen Beuhler asked me and I told him the squirrel story.  He didn't fall for it.  We shared a laugh and then I started to tell him the truth.  "They took my ligaments out and gave me some ligaments from a dead person.  They screwed the new ligaments into my bone with a screw that will slowly dissolve."  Owen looked at me for two seconds, said, "Uh-uh.  I don't believe you."  Then, being the distractible eight year old that he is, ran off.  I laughed about that all afternoon.

  School is avalanching down upon me.  Please pray that I get it all done and done well.  Pray hard.

  Chera's going to come see us about a month after graduation!  We haven't set a solid date, but I'm already majorly  excited!

A bulletin from the couch

where I have pretty much taken up permanent residence. :)

Everyone but Dad and BonnieJean went down to the Bowie tournament over the weekend.  Samuel placed third in black belt weapons after deciding on the spur of the moment to compete.  Dillian Ramey and Crista Bailey took first and second, respectively, so he's hanging with the big dogs, for sure.  He also placed third in the super fight, coming in behind Greg Partridge and Luke Rosebure.  Ethan didn't fight because it was only a week from his black belt test, but he placed first in adult underbelt weapons and adult brown kata.  He got a nine from Mr. Holzbauer on his weapons kata!  Naomi came to help coach and decided suddenly to compete in kata!  She didn't place, but I'm so proud of her!  And after we all saw the flying pigs, she decided to do fight a 13 year old who didn't have anyone else in her division to fight.  Naomi won!  Joshua placed third in kata and second in fighting.  Isaac placed second in kata.  He lost his first fight by one point to the boy who went on to win the whole division.  Irony.  At the last tournament, Caleb forgot his kata and had to make it up.  This time he remembered it perfectly!

  Before the tournament, Scott and Theresa tested for fourth degree and passed.  I'm so excited for them!  I'm kinda disappointed they didn't do any board breaking, but that's just because I so enjoy watching them do it so well!  I can't believe they managed to test and run a tournament in the same day.

  After the tournament, little Alexis hit my right foot while I was standing in the hallway.  When I unwrapped my foot to take a shower Sunday night it was swollen really bad and black all down the right side and top of it with pooled blood under the skin.  It totally freaked me out.  Dad prayed over it right then and we called Orjala first thing Monday morning.  I didn't go to work or karate.  We unwrapped it Monday afternoon out of pure curiousity and it looked tons better.  I don't think a bruise on a normal, active person would go down that quickly.  It was just an answer to prayer!

  While I was home resting Monday night, Caleb passed his yellow belt test, Dad passed his orange belt test, and Isaac did all of his blue belt test with the exception of fighting and board breaking.  He'll do those Monday night.  I'm so excited for all of them!

  In other fantastic-answers-to-prayer news, I found out today that I passed the Comp II test out!  This means I get to graduate this May!  I am so wildly excited!

Update on da foot

Hey everybody!  Thanks so much for praying for me and asking about me!

  The main objective of the surgery was successful.  They got my ligaments out and got the new one in.  My doctor, Orjala, said that the ligament that went sideways around the back of my ankle was pretty severely deteriated (sp?) and that the ligament that went sideways around the front of the ankle bone had disintegrated to the point that he could barely find any fibers to pick it out.  They sewed the top of the new ligament onto the bone and tissue and screwed the bottom end of it into the bone.  That's a dissolving screw.  Until that ligament takes a really firm grip it's really important that I don't bear weight on it.  I can bear 25% of my weight on it, which basically means that I don't have to hold the cast up all the time.  If I put my weight on my left leg then i can just rest the right foot on the ground.

  My anesthesiologist, Dr. Boyles, not only put me under general anesthesia but also gave me a nerve block.  I get to keep the nerve block until Monday to help with the pain over the first couple of days of healing.  There's a catheter on the side of my knee that has a little tube running out of it into a medicine pouch that looks just like a bladder, I swear.  I carry the medicine in a little shoulder bag.  I can adjust how many mls an hour I get, but we're trying to keep it pretty low so it will last longer.  All the tubing makes going to the bathroom a little difficult, but I'm managing. :)

  Really the only complication I've had is that I threw up this morning absolutely everything I had put in my mouth since the surgery.  What was weird was it didn't smell at all,  had no stomach acid at all.  This kinda explained why I had been in such pain the whole time--I hadn't ever digested my meds!  I call my anesthesiologist around noon just to check in each day, so we told him how weak I was feeling, how much pain I was in, and how I had thrown up.  He had given me two different prescriptions for pain, one stronger than the other.  He said that the stronger one I had been taking, because it was hurting so bad, can slow down your digestion.  He said that I apparently reacted to it strongly, because it had shut down my digestion completely.  He felt really bad that I hadn't gotten any pain meds.  He had me switch to the lower strength pain med but turn up the the medicine into the nerve block.  I've kept down everything I've eaten since and I can tell that I'm actually getting the pain meds--they make me really sleepy.

  Speaking of which, I'm going to take one now and get to bed.  Love you all!

  Hey everybody!  Praise God, my surgery went well!  I'm exhausted, and in some pain, but everyone's doting on me.  They're so sweet!  Thank all of you for praying!

Please pray!

  I'm taking the Comp II testout tomorrow morning.  I need this to graduate.  Please pray.

This and that

  I love my praying friends!  I have friends that I haven't seen or even maintained contact with, suddenly reconnecting with me and praying for me.  I have a group of ladies older than me in age and in faith that all pray for each other.  My Sunday school class prays for me.  My karate class prays for me.  My parents pray for me.  The Teagues pray for me because of the Friday Bible study.  Chera and JC pray for me.  I'm sure there are many more people that pray for me that I don't know about or just don't remember.

  It seems like I'm suddenly much more aware of who's praying for me.  I think even this is an answer to prayer.  I've been praying for a new understanding of God's love and working in my life.

Today's Breakpoint

  It's really good.  Everbody drag out your sackcloth and ashes and start praying!

Pray for the Church
What Matters Most, Part 3

December 30, 2008

In my devotions over the last two or three months, I have started my prayer time by concentrating on the Church. I pray—actually, I plead, the Lord would wake us up, cause us to repent, turn from our own false idols. I pray God’s Spirit would fill us with a burning desire to love Him and advance His kingdom.

Then I pray for my family, who are so dear to me. And then, I pray for my country because my heart aches as I see all that is happening, particularly with the economic crisis and the wrong way we’re going about solving it.

It was on my knees a few months ago that God hit me like a 10-ton truck about the priority praying for the Church first. We can’t pray for our nation to be revived, to be saved, to receive God’s mercy; we can’t pray for our leaders to make wise decisions unless we first pray for the Church.

When it comes to the economy, our nation has dug a hole for itself. And sure enough, we are continuing to dig. At a recent meeting with President-elect Obama, the nation’s governors had their hands out, asking for federal dollars. The President-elect was all too happy to oblige. But South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford knows better. In a statement in front of Mr. Obama and his fellow governors, he said “We don’t believe economic problems that were in large measure created by too much debt will be solved by more debt.”

Amen, and hallelujah! Finally somebody spoke the truth.

Our nation is in this crisis precisely because we’ve traded in a Christian worldview of work, thrift, savings, and prudence, and instead have embraced the false worldview of consumerism—of leisure, debt, and instant gratification.

That’s a false worldview, and it leads to the worst kind of idolatries. And it will also lead to our self-destruction.

And insofar as we Christians have abandoned our heritage and have bought into the idolatry of consumerism, we have betrayed not only our God, but the nation we love.

I want to put it in the plainest terms I know how: This nation cannot be saved unless the Church is first revived. Renewing the Church is the key to saving America.

I no longer know for sure that America has a special place in God’s sovereign plan for the world. I could argue that we have in the past. No other nation has played such a positive role—from helping the poor to defeating tyranny to stopping the spread of disease (just like we’re doing in Africa today in the fight against AIDS).

But we will be unable to continue to be a force for good in the world if we are bankrupt. The fact is, we are bankrupt today, neck-deep in debt, and our people have become self-indulgent. And it starts with us: the Church.

I truly believe my prayer priorities are correct. Pray that God will inspire us, His people, to reorganize our priorities. That we will reject the idolatry of consumerism, that we will reject the therapeutic gospel, and seek holiness. And that we will serve our neighbors in charity, that we will use this economic calamity as an opportunity to teach the culture what matters most—a relationship with God.

For if the Church continues to embrace the ways of the world, I don’t see how America can maintain it place in the world—much less survive in it.

News

  In case anyone was wondering, the score for the ongoing Hillcats versus Wayland Baptist (men) basketball game is 91-63.  Ladies already beat the female Waylands earlier this evening.  We rock!

  I have been thinking a lot about my employment situation. Next semester I only have classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  My first thought was I wouldn't have to work weekend nights anymore!  However, knowing what Christine and Renae are like and the fact that Brenda has been trying to get off nights for a year now I concluded that I would have to quit to get off nights.  I would really like to get a part-time job within the social science field in order to have my foot already in the door when I graduate in May.  However, a well-paying part time job, like a bank teller, wouldn't be so bad.  So, I was thinking at this point that I would quit in January.  However, I knew that as soon as school is out Renae is going to be pressuring me to work more nights.  In fact, she already has me scheduled an evening and a night next week just as soon as my finals are done.  Nights on the weekend are ok, but I really hate them during the week.  Add to the mix the fact that over Christmas break I need to write my Capstone proposal and get together my Rothberg application, I decided that it would be really nice not to work the month of December at all.  So, I gave my two weeks notice last night.  I feel very relieved, but still very nervious about finding another job.  Pray for me, please.

  Mama bought me 2007 office!  Yeah for no more writing in Notepad!

  OK, I'm almost done with writing my Research Methods II final, but it won't finish itself.  Pray for my finals, too!  Love y'all!

 P.S. Final score was 104-76.  Hillcats rule!

Music

One of the joys of now having high speed internet is I can find and download pretty much any song by any band I want to off of youtube. Most of the time I just use it for background music and don't even watch it, so I apologize if any of these have disturbing or nude visuals. Here are some new favorites.

Supermassive Black Hole by Muse: weirdest music video ever, but good song.

Starlight by Muse: a lot like some songs by Brave St. Saturn actually.

Tremble for My Beloved by Collective Soul: can anyone tell I found a list of songs that will be on the Twilight soundtrack?

Viva La Viva by Coldplay: no idea what it's about, beautiful song.

Irene by Toby Mac: this is actually a good music video.

So Long My Friend by DC Talk.

Sail Away by Enya: this one has a music video that looks like it was designed by Monet.

Hungarian Dance by Brahms performed by Joshua Bell.

You are Loved by Josh Groban.

On a more sober note, I let Veteran's Day past without saying anything. Other people have said things much more eloquently than I could ever hope to about what Veteran's Day means and what Veterans have done for us, so I won't go there. I think about and miss U. Freddy and Jaron a lot, but obviously I did a lot more yesterday. Please keep praying for their families. Also it reminded me to pray for Donovon's dad and Jason Joslin, folks from my church who are currently away with the military. I've never been away from home in any way similar to what they're doing, but I do know that you need prayer support even more when you're away from home. Pray also for their families. I know for me personally that I felt like we were just hovering on the edge of unraveling every single day Dad was gone.

  Anna will get this research project done!  She will, she will, she will...  And all of y'all will pray for it.

Huzzah for Fall Break!

  Brave St. Saturn rocks!  (Can you hear me screaming Daylight right now?)

  The Rogers County Election Board is pathetic.  I'm trying to knock doors in precinct 8, one of the largest precincts in the county.  My list is of active independents and democrats.  Now, if we were practical it would be arranged by street and include phone numbers.  But, no!  It has no phone numbers and is arranged *drumroll for the stupidity here* alphabetically.

  I've found my younger brothers extremely irritating today, which is highly unusual.  Usually, it's an absolute blast to be with them.  Wonder what's up...

  I feel good about my midterms and very exhausted from having to do them.

  Maybe it's because I'm doing so much campaigning this time, but this semester seems to be flying past.  Usually by mid-terms I'm burned out and dying for the semester to be over.  I'm not saying I'm going to miss this semester, just that it's going really fast.

  I love Facebook's flair application!

  Sometimes I wonder what psych majors at school and peacenicks generally would think if I actually told them how violent I am.  For example...last night Samuel and I were sparring and discussing martial art strategy and theories of self defense and somehow we got onto breaking.  I have a major issue with breaking in that I don't hit with the power I know I have and I don't follow through.  Samuel is my main coach on this, the patient soul.  Anyway, he told me to go at his body, hands only, as hard as I possibly could.  I was very tickled with myself over the fact that it was hard for him. :)  It was sooooo much fun to go all out.  Since the hanging bag got taken down at the dojo I haven't gotten to go full power in a long time.  It felt great!  I would love to tell that to a psyched out peacenick just to see their reaction.

  As long as I'm going on a total ego trip...not Monday, but last Monday we were doing epon (sp?) sparring, similar to World Combat League or sabaki fights.  I got to spar Larry.  When we were done he told me that I needed to guard my head (majorly) and *smug grin here* control my knee strikes.

  Ok, to pop my ego, I'll also say that he totally clobbered my head and I really need to work on guarding it.

  I'm majorly pumped about Kate not needing chemo or radiation!  God is so good!  It's been awesome to see Him work on Kate's behalf over and over.

  OK, I'm going to veg a little with a computer game, Samuel, and my mug of sleepytime tea and then go to bed.

Saturday night

and the moon is bright... I love country songs about Saturday nights.

I really hope we have a Butler staff meeting this Tuesday. I need some more work to do. September has just flown by and I guess I'm feeling the usual October campaign panic (3 days early). Speaking of which, I need to email those fire district phone numbers to Melissa...

Cool takedown and tap-out here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=267i7rKeECA

I have a picture slideshow called Interesting Photos of the Day on my igoogle page that hasn't changed in the past month. I miss it.

I'm listening to Casting Crowns' album The Altar and The Door right now (a birthday gift from Chera!) I really like their track Prayer for a Friend. I'm bad about worrying about my friends more than I pray for them. I do pray for my friends each time I worry about them, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about them. Like right now, I'm freaking out about Jesse getting a motorcycle more than I'm praying for it to irrevocably and suddenly break when he's not riding it. I'm also bad about not telling people I'm praying for them. I guess I'm afraid of coming across as if I'm bragging. However, I know how encouraging it is to know that someone's praying for me, so I really shouldn't deny that to my friends. So, Jesse, Beth, Kate, Dale, BJ, Chera, Anna...I'm praying for you!

Why is it that some chores are absolutley abhorrent and others aren't? I don't mind making my bed or hanging my clothes, but I hate cleaning my desk. I like brushing my teeth but I don't like flossing (don't worry, I make myself do it.) I don't mind writing down transactions in my checkbook but I hate balancing my checkbook (which I actually need to do tonight.)

Ok, i'm going to email Melissa, balance my checkbook, and practice violin. Hopefully I'll have time to work on the bag some with Samuel before I go to work at midnight.

Life is so good!

I'm insanely busy, but I sure do love my life!

Samuel and Ethan test for 1st degree brown tomorrow. I'm getting really excited!

I have doctor's appointment tomorrow that I'm nervous about so please pray for me.

My internship with Inhofe's office is going great.

Job is going great, too.

Y'all remember Dad doing a lot of training for the Army Corp of Engineer's FEST (Forward Engineering Support Team)? Well, these teams haven't recently gone to Iraq since they now have their own district with the Corp, but there would be an exception. Dad leaves on the 17th and will be in Iraq for about 4 months. I think that's a terribly long time, but I admire him so much. He's such a servant and I'm sure he's the absolute best guy to lead the team and support our troops.

The library is about to shut down, so I'll see ya. Love y'all!

Praise God!

I was driving from Stirling's house to my house this morning, after having gotten Stirling on the bus, when I was rear-ended at a stoplight on Will Rogers. The lady who hit me had been rear-ended by the guy behind her, a kid driving himself and some younger boys to school. It was his dad's car and his dad didn't have the car insured. I feel sorry for the kid and mad at the dad. I'm fine, the lady behind me will probably be really sore and bruised but ok, all the kids were fine, and it looks like the Toyota will be fine, too. The lady's car is going to need some more repair, though. I hope her insurance won't go up since it wasn't her fault. Anyway, it's a huge praise!

"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort." - Herm Albright

I go in tomorrow to sign papers to do my college internship with Sen. Inhofe's office in Tulsa. Praise God! I'm so excited!

My neck is really sore and swollen and I don't know why. Samuel did hit me in the face and I did sabaki Monday, but nothing bad enough for this. Maybe it's a combination of things. I'm going to the chiropractor after school today.

I got a job last week! I'm working evening or overnight shifts taking care of 54 yr. old, physically and mentally disabled lady named Donna Marie. She's total care, which means all her shifts are waking. I've worked one overnight so far and it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be. I'm just so thrilled to be employed again and being paid well ($7.35 until I get some training and then it goes up!) and having it work with my schedule. Praise God! Pray that scheduling all my training classes can be done without missing too many college classes.

I just made 96 on my first quiz in U.S. Courts. Yeah!

I wrote a press release for the Republican Precinct meetings this morning and sent it to Sherri. Hope she likes it.

Everything for the state of Oklahoma is scheduled for May 3rd: State tag meet, Republican state convention, OSU's graduation, and ABKA nationals. So not fair! I'll be at nationals and maybe swing by the state convention.

"Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born." - Ronald Reagan